I cried.

With tears and everything.

Inexplicable, change my heart.

Consequently
I'm not quite sure what to do
about this
because I'm new to this
dating thing
and even more new
to this
caring thing.
We're having problems and
I don't know how to
avoid them
but I do know how
to apologize
and I can swallow my pride
and tell you
I love you more than anything
over
and
over
so that you get the point.

Would that be enough?
Or do we need some blood
in there?
I can make some silly vows
which you probably
wouldn't think were silly
but I would
because I think that everything out of
my comfort zone
is silly
but I would most definitely
do that for you
if it's what you needed from me
to feel like you're
what
I
want
for
a
very
long
time.

Instead all I seem to do is make you worry
about your standing
with me
and in my heart
and that incurs my wrath
you know
because I don't tell many people
I love them
and I only tell one person
I'm in love with them
and I only tell one person that
because I really am
only in love
with you.
(And the voice of the
lead singer of Disturbed
but I really don't think that that
should count)

You don't have to even think about her
and I think you're just making things worse because
the more you think about her
the more you bring her up
the more you bring her up
the more I think about her
so what are you trying to do?
Do you want me to think about her
every time we talk
or do you want me to think about you
whenever we talk?
You should be smarter about this
but I can't figure out what keeps making you insane
instead of in love.
Tell me.
Am I giving you the impression that I might move on to her
like you think I did with Tybalt?
I wouldn't have left Tybs
if she hadn't decided it was for the best
because I am not a liar
and I am ridiculously loyal
when I put my fingers
in the pie
and I'm sorry if that knowledge offends you
but I wouldn't have persued you
any further
if she had decided to stay in a relationship
with me.
I have very strong morals
and I can not
and will not
do that to a person.
I said to her
'I'm obsessed with someone else right now
what do you want to do about it?'
and she decided that we were broken up
and she decided I broke up with her
and when I corrected her
she went silent
because she did not realize that I had given
her
the option
the decision
and she said
'But you loved her'
and I said
'not at that time'
and she says
'but now you do'
and I said
'yes'.
Maddy.
All of my characters are potential whores in the making
because I would
never
cheat
but I think it's stupid to make characters
just like you
because I also HATE
HATE
HATE
drugs
and would never parttake in anything
aside from alcohol
which by the way
if you get into drugs
I will slowly end up hating you
and I'm sorry
but I can't do that
I said the same thing to Elizabeth
because drugs
and hypocrisy
and lying
and talking to walls
are everything I hate
in human beings
and no one
is an exception
to this rule.
As I was saying
I hate drugs
but some of my characters are drug friendly
and have few morals
so that they're not
copies of me
but do not think
these characters represent me
in any way.
If I had to choose a character I am most like
in the romance department
it would be Esteban
because he latches on to one person
and he loves them
until he can't anymore
but he's never reached a point like that
and he's only kind to that person
and he will treat them like a treasure
while making it look
like he thinks
that doing that
is tedious
and normal for him.
Like when he gave Jeff head in the boiler room
he doesn't do things like that
for anyone
but he chose Jeff
so he stepped out of his comfort zone
and made Jeff think that
things like this
happen every day
when really
they have never happened before
but he doesn't want Jeff to know
that he's treating him
like something
fragile
and
precious
and he would never say that
and he can't say 'I love you' in words
but he can say it
in any other way
fathomable
so long as the sounds
don't leave
his lips.

I worry that you don't know how weird I am
I wish I could find some manga that would explain it
so that you can see
how I work
inside
so that you don't need to worry
about me
because you don't know
what I know
and what I know
is that when I was younger
I made promises to myself
to spare my
significant other
any grief
and some of those promises were
that I would only tell you
I love you
if I do
even if not saying it
hurts you
and I promised myself
that if I did fall in love
I would only
make it
once
so that
that person
would be in my heart
forever
at the top
even if they left
or died
or anything
that meant not being
with me.
That may be naive
but
I have yet
to lie
to myself
even when I failed
not lying
to other people.
When you said 'Sixty years'
perhaps joking
on my facebook status
I took you seriously
and if I had been with you when you said it
I would have put my hand out
and said
'deal'
and I would have made you
shake on it
that's how much
that appealed to me-
the king of fear.
I'm afraid of everything
especially
commitment
and I want you to know
that no matter what happens
I love you
I want you
and a little piece of me actually
needs you
in order to function
properly.
You are a blacksmith
and I am a suit of armor
I will only be
as strong
as you make me.
If you pull back on a swing
you can put
chinks in me
and I want you to swing
as hard
and as certain
as you can
so that when the war comes
I can protect you
even if the battle
is against
yourself.

I am not righteous
I am not brilliant
but I am stable enough to support
another human being
and if you let me
I will hold you up
when you feel like you can't stand anymore
and I would do that for you
because I love you
and it hurts me
whenever you fall down.
When you feel like you're ready to break
just remember that I would be
devastated
but I would pick up the pieces
and love them
individually
until you were all better
and I could love you
completely.
I am not afraid to nurse you
and your wounded ego
or pride
or heart
or anything
because when you get back up
you'll be that much stronger
and I will keep
falling in love with you
over
and
over
because you are so radiant
to me.

I don't know, sorry.

I don't know what's going on right now but I'm having some serious regrets.
Whenever I'm done talking with anyone, I wish I'd never said anything.
Like, with Tessa when I talked about gender.
Or when I said I didn't like myself.
I don't know why I said that.
I like myself well enough.
I just have things I want to improve, but who doesn't?
Or how about when I talk to Maddy?
I just want to tell her that I love her, how, why, all those things.
But instead I just say useless things that don't mean anything.
I hate that I was on webcam with someone else.
I feel like I just gave someone leeway into my happiness.
I don't like it.
I hate that I did that.
I hate that I made her feel lonely.
I hate that she wasn't smiling for some of the conversation.
What am I even doing?
I don't know.
But whatever it is, I'm sorry.
I want to be beautiful to you, but by doing so, is that dishonest?
The only time I wear make-up is when I talk to her.
Lately.
I want to gush to her about her.
I just want to gush.
I'm thinking about her all the time.
I'm only that happy when she's around.
Laughing on webcam with someone else seriously hurt my pride.
'It's because you were there.'
'Life is fun, it's better when you're around.'
'I was laughing because I was happy.'
'If you hadn't been there, I probably only would have snorted through my nose.'
I want to say that to you.
But I don't want you to know how pathetic I am.
I don't want you to think you have to take care of me.
I'm not fragile.
You make me perverted, too.
I don't want to kiss people very often.
I don't usually want that at all, actually.
We talked about that, do you remember?
I don't like being touched.
I would give anything to just hold your hand.
I also feel bad because you're probably why I like myself so much.
You're also why I hate myself.
You love me and that gives me so much, in the means of liking me.
'Maddy likes me' and I beam because I'm proud.
I want you to like me.
But liking my personality and liking ME are two different things.
What if we meet and you finally SEE me and you're disappointed?
I want to say this is a useless fear, because it will never happen to me.
If we're the same person, if I won't do it, then you wouldn't.
But that's the thing.
You're adorable, and you're thin, and you have so many good visual features.
I'm cute, sure.
I'm not thin.
It makes me insecure.
You say that you want to do intimate things, but what if when you see me, that changes?
I want what we have right now.
I'm afraid to meet you.
I would despise myself for giving up the chance, due to fear.
'So do something about it'.
I know.
But what if you realize I did it so you'll love me, not for myself?
But we're the same person, so technically, won't I be doing it for me?
Technically, I'm doing it for you so you'll like me, so my heart won't break.
It's for me, then, right?
Does that hurt you?
That I think you'll dislike me?
I don't think little of you, it's not that I think you're 'like that'.
I'm just being stupid.
This is another of those things I'm going to regret.
I love you.
I feel sick when you're gone.
I sleep too much.
I don't know what I would do if things changed because I'm not as cute as you think I am.
Paige was right.
Her thought process is EXACTLY how I feel.
'Wow, she's so cute.'
'How'd -you- get -her-?'
I don't know.
Paige knows me in a physical setting.
She confirmed it.
I'd been thinking it.
I even said it.
You said that it was the other way around.
I don't want to meet your friends.
I don't want them to judge you because of me.
'Wow. So that's what she likes. Uhh...'
I don't want them to think less of you because you love me.
I'm going to become beautiful.
So I don't have to worry about this.
Just give me some time.
You deserve better than me being a whiny person.
Actually.
That's not exactly true.
What I'm REALLY afraid of, is that you'll realize I'm not leaning on you.
I tell you we're a team, we're not alone, if you need me- I'm here.
But I'm scared to show you weakness.
I can tell you anything.
I can't bring myself to ask for help.
That hurts my pride, too.
I love you.
I want you to know every part of me.
But I'm ashamed of myself.
I should trust in you.
I should trust that your feelings aren't just skin deep.
Should, being the major word.
I know they're not.
Why am I so scared, then?
I think it's because I know who I am and I know better than anyone why you shouldn't like me.
And as I write this, I wonder if you feel this way, too.
If so, I'm sorry.
I won't stop loving you because you're a dork or because you like obscure things.
I won't stop loving you because you laugh 'stupid' or because you're 'not cute' in real life.
I've never been in love before.
These feelings are probably normal.
I don't know if I'm supposed to say them or keep them to myself.
If you felt like this, I'd want you to tell me.
Which is why I'm writing this.
We meet half way.
Even if I am being a retard.
I have a favorite pair of pants that I've never been able to wear.
They button up on the side, not the front.
They're khaki.
I like khaki.
But you had some weird incident at a water park with them.
I want you to know, that if I'm able to wear them by the time we meet, they're what I'm gonna wear.
I hope that doesn't bother you.
But they'll make me feel good about myself, and the better I feel, the better I can be around you.
I want to make a good first impression.
I want you to love me.
I keep thinking there's no way you can if we haven't met.
But then I think how I love you, so it must be possible.

I miss you.

I disagree.

Sorry Jo.

I am.

HOWEVER.

If Maddy dumped me I would want to remember everything.

I think you and I love differently.

I'm selfish.

You're childish.

Early morning disturbance.

Maddy: I love you. Night.
Nana: I love you, too.
Maddy: <3
Nana: <3
Maddy has logged out

Nana: Hmm. I think... I should post before bed.
Nana's mind: Your eyelids say 'no', they dislike that idea.
Nana: Well, okay, I'll just... rest my eyes a little... and...
Nana's mind: Nana, you're totally falling asleep.
Nana: Okay, fine, I'm going to bed now, but I'll do it in the morning.
Nana's mind: MmmmHmmm.
Nana closes the laptop and curls up in bed.
Nana's mind is happy with their thoughts of a certain someone.

11:00am: CLANG CLANG CRASH BANG

Nana flinches, blinks, lifts her head and stares at the hallway.
Nana shakes the sleep out and glances to the dog, they exchange looks, then look back to the figure coming down the stairs.

Linda: Oh! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. -Covers mouth- I was just so angry, I had to let some steam out.
Nana: Oh, no, it's so fine.
Linda: I really didn't want you to see my bad side.
Nana: .... What?
Linda: I just tossed silverware into the washing machine and then threw it across the room.
Nana: Ahahaha, you're so funny Linda.
Linda: When I came down stairs last night and you were so cute and smiling with your friend, I just felt so much better, I love being around you. Sorry you have to deal with me.
Nana: Ah, thanks, I appreciate that but- I don't 'deal' with you. I like you so being around you is an obvious thing.
Linda: Oh, heh, well, is it okay that I left it all on the floor?
Nana: To emphasize your point?
Linda: Yes! Exactly!
Nana: Yeah, sure. If anyone asks just say they apparently didn't know how mad you were and should listen next time.
Linda: Oh, you always listen to me though.
Nana: Yeah...
Linda: I know you're listening, even if you're talking to your friend. You double task well.
Nana: Haha, at least you understand that.

Not to mention the African Grey (Bird) that's all like: 'Linda?' 'Linda?' Then Rafikk who's all 'HAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!'

Either way. It's eleven thirty and I'm wide awake and on my first mug of coffee.

Nanaclone tells all.

NC: WTF, Nana? Why so sappy?
N: I can't help it.
NC: BULLSHIT.
N: Seriously! You don't even know!
NC: I'm you, stupid.
N: Me before I knew what this felt like.
NC: What?
N: You wouldn't understand.
NC: Sure I would, just explain it.
N: That's not enough. You have to feel it.
NC: Just try, at least- I'm sure I'll get the gist.
N: Grow up Nanaclone. There's a Maddyclone out there waiting for you.
NC: What does that even mean?
N: You'll see. You'll know how I feel when she's all you can think about and you laugh when people ask what you've been up to because when you try to think of something, all you can get is her in your mind, so you just respond 'Maddy'.
NC: Whatever. I'm not like you.
N: I know. That makes me sad.

Sometimes....

Whatever you were intending to write was making my heart beat really fast.

When you explained it, I could feel the thumping in my throat.

I'm gonna let you panic for a couple seconds.

Sorry.

God I love you.